[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
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Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement