[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever