I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
no one likes gloating
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
They also CAN sing✌️
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in