What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.