@weinerdog4life: I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever
@weinerdog4life: I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude
@weinerdog4life: There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button
@weinerdog4life: If I was a police sketch artist I would be like "is this the guy?" And they would be like "nope that's a barn" because I can only draw barns
@weinerdog4life: The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
@weinerdog4life: Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I'm allowed to do this, the judge is crying
@weinerdog4life: A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
@weinerdog4life: Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.