Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of weinerdog4life's best tweets

@weinerdog4life : Things to know before you date me: 1. I party 2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

@weinerdog4life: The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

@weinerdog4life: me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

@weinerdog4life: The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science

@weinerdog4life: In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

@weinerdog4life: Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

@weinerdog4life: I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever

@weinerdog4life: I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude

@weinerdog4life: There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button