@weinerdog4life: If I was a police sketch artist I would be like "is this the guy?" And they would be like "nope that's a barn" because I can only draw barns
@weinerdog4life: The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
@weinerdog4life: Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I'm allowed to do this, the judge is crying
@weinerdog4life: A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
@weinerdog4life: Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
@weinerdog4life: One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled "YOURE WASTING SHIRTS" at the TV
@weinerdog4life: The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
@weinerdog4life: Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog