@weinerdog4life: Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
@weinerdog4life: The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
@weinerdog4life: me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
@weinerdog4life: The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science
@weinerdog4life: In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
@weinerdog4life: Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
@weinerdog4life: I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever
@weinerdog4life: I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never, oh you knocked me down again, you are being very rude