@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
@weismanjake: When someone tells me to have a safe flight it's like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane
@weismanjake: Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread
@weismanjake: If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.
@weismanjake: Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
@weismanjake: Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don't think of this word, a random man will be put to death.
@weismanjake: I'm a vegetarian and when people say to me "you know Hitler was also a vegetarian" it always reminds me how many Jews I've been killing
@weismanjake: One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies