U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
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Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude