“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…