[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
You Might Also Like
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
lost dog
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine