Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of wendchymes's best tweets

@wendchymes : My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

@wendchymes: I'm thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D'uber

@wendchymes: If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

@wendchymes: My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

@wendchymes: Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

@wendchymes: My standards in my 20's- brooding & poetic

30's tall, nice smile, secure job

40's - hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

@wendchymes: Friend: I haven't had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven't had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

@wendchymes: I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she's from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

@wendchymes: * kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

- dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

@wendchymes: House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!