Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of wendchymes's best tweets

@wendchymes : Friend: I haven't had sex in years! Me: meh, join the club Friend: I haven't had coffee in 5 days! Me: DEAR GOD!!!

@wendchymes: I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she's from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

@wendchymes: * kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

- dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

@wendchymes: House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

@wendchymes: If my boyfriend really cared about me, he'd stop being imaginary...

@wendchymes: My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I'm the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

@wendchymes: Just caught a glimpse of myself naked -

Apologies in advance to my coroner

@wendchymes: Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman's hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

@wendchymes: Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out "DEAR GOD MY BACK!"

@wendchymes: We're having lobsters for dinner .

Update - we have pet lobsters now