billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.