I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.