God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
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One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?