And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
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*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up