plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
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You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
*weighs self after shaving
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.