WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
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Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
the dark web is just a goth google.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor