Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
where the womens at?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Breaking news:
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line