Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
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ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.