Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.