@whatmaddness: Friends with kids: what's the matter with you, why don't you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
@whatmaddness: My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn't ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
@whatmaddness: If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
@whatmaddness: Me: hi. I'm maddie. I'm ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you've misunderstood
@whatmaddness: Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
@whatmaddness: Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
@whatmaddness: I'm trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we're on the phone, and everything is awful.
@whatmaddness: Traffic fantasy:
- Someone does something stupid
- I give them "the look"
- They learn their lesson
- The roads are safer because of me