Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of whatmaddness's best tweets

@whatmaddness : Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn't look right. "Oh god. Are these her bones?!"

@whatmaddness: INTERVIEWER: what's a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn't talking to me
JOE: uh...Excel

@whatmaddness: It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

@whatmaddness: Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

@whatmaddness: GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

@whatmaddness: I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

@whatmaddness: [inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

@whatmaddness: A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

@whatmaddness: "I'm not like other girls," I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

@whatmaddness: "She's more afraid of you than you are of her," the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.