Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of whatmaddness's best tweets

@whatmaddness : *sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior* Through a mouthful of ice cream, "I've got plenty of time."

@whatmaddness: Friends with kids: what's the matter with you, why don't you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

@whatmaddness: My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn't ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

@whatmaddness: If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

@whatmaddness: Me: hi. I'm maddie. I'm ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you've misunderstood

@whatmaddness: Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

@whatmaddness: No, I DON'T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

@whatmaddness: Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

@whatmaddness: I'm trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we're on the phone, and everything is awful.

@whatmaddness: Traffic fantasy:

- Someone does something stupid
- I give them "the look"
- They learn their lesson
- The roads are safer because of me