My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
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Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide