I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
2022 will be better than 2021