I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.