I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
me
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
#Caturday
christening a ship with an overripe banana
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*