Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
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1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Smile they said.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again