“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I’m calling the cops.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.