I think they could have phrased this better
You Might Also Like
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Autocorrect is my menesis
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.