Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
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Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come