A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
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“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Unimpressed
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”