*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Yup
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.