Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of withanewname's best tweets

@withanewname : "Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other" "Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?"

@withanewname: [Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

@withanewname: Aquaman: Come on in the water is great.

Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.

@withanewname: It's like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

@withanewname: The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

@withanewname: [trick or treating]

"Oh, what a cute little…what's she doing?"

Me: potty training.

"In my pumpkin?!"

Me: She likes the heated seat.

@withanewname: Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you're awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

@withanewname: "Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge ... and green!"

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner's parents faced]

@withanewname: [my first day as a financial investor]

"I'm going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?"

@withanewname: Teacher: We're going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I'll give it a shot.