BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
mood
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
how to market bottled water to dads