PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
You Might Also Like
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I put the mess in domestic.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.