with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
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The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?