Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@writerPT : *Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
@writerPT: We've got people working on world peace, and I'm here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient's chocolate without her noticing.
@writerPT: If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
@writerPT: 5yo: OMG I'M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I'M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
@writerPT: I'm about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
@writerPT: Hubs: If you could sleep with...
Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great.
@writerPT: No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
@writerPT: It's my mom's personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
@writerPT: Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I'd be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
@writerPT: I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor" married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston...