Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of writerPT's best tweets

@writerPT : *Runs 6 miles* *Adds Kenyan to resume*

@writerPT: We've got people working on world peace, and I'm here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient's chocolate without her noticing.

@writerPT: If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

@writerPT: 5yo: OMG I'M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I'M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

@writerPT: I'm about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

@writerPT: Hubs: If you could sleep with...

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great.

Me: Ohhhh...

@writerPT: No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

@writerPT: It's my mom's personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

@writerPT: Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I'd be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

@writerPT: I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor" married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston...