Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think