Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
You Might Also Like
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best