Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
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The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession