Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Woke up with morning Yule Log
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
whatcha thinkin bout
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.