Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of xLiserx's best tweets

@xLiserx : Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: Yes. I like to watch. Netflix: I’m worried about you. Me: Just play the next episode. Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun? Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

@xLiserx: If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

@xLiserx: I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.

@xLiserx: Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don't serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.

@xLiserx: Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!

@xLiserx: It's October: For everyone's safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.

@xLiserx: My adult coloring book is filled with pictures of people paying bills, washing dishes, & tugging at their belly fat in front of the mirror.

@xLiserx: BF: Come over. Let's do sex.
Me: I'm tired.
BF: I have tacos.
Me: It's late.
Brendan Fraser: I won't make you watch my movies.
Me: On my way

@xLiserx: How long into a conversation is it too late to admit you’ve forgotten his name? We’ve been married 6 years.

@xLiserx: I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.