Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
You Might Also Like
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.