Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?