I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?