Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.