PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Friday
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon