Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
You Might Also Like
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
sir, my pâté if you please
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK