I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
God has left this place
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad