Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
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Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself