I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
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my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
the three genders
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda