I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
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My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer