The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My diet starts in January
of 2027