I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me